Chasing ME


I have plenty of disappointments, eventual achievements and many lessons learned. Today when i woke up i tried to listen to the absolute confidence voice with in me. It's been almost half a year that i live in shadow. Maybe, i'm also in denial. I ignore the truth for it hurts me so much. I put a different image in my mind and from there i created a different scene. Wishful thinking provides significant changed but it never last.

I devoured every books i could lay on my hands to enhance my knowlege in dealing with my broken heart. Dr. Phil Mc Graw, Joyce Meyer, Mitch Albom so many to mention author yet i arrived empty handed. It only helped to relax my mind but the truth on these matter i always go back to the first step. I felt totally disconnected with my body, like my mind has its own world and my heart wants a different environment too.

I was deceived and humiliated in a very lowest form i could imagine but has given forgiveness easilly. Is it because i love the person so much or because i was raised not to entertain madness in my heart? Is it really wrong to get mad? I always keep mum and stay patient even if its suffocates me because hiding my real ordeal give me sense of assurance that i am capable of moving on. But the sad part i forgot the sense of leaning on to somebody. I shut them out in my system for i dont want them to be part of my burden but as my Mama told me, they too can feel the pain. The more i kept it from them, the more i remain powerless to unload my burden.

It just got to the point where i needed to choose and sometimes there isn't a way to compromise. Broken promises and selfish embraces affects my entire existence. My mind was stuck and stunned. I stared myself in a mirror, bewildered. I am trying to understand why my steps remain unsteady. The wide open path in my front confused me futher.

Yes, it is a truth that i'm still hurting but its also a naked truth that i made my first step in closing the door. I did the first move not the other way around. I remembered vividly the promises i made too but i have no option only to break and unlock the chain that put me in imaginary cell.
I don't want to escape and run anymore. I will face it head up high. I'm tired of pretending, tired of waiting for you to change. Sure, its not easy, it doesn't happen overnight but i believe it will come. Acceptance is the key to find my purpose in life and determination will get me there in the rainbow. (hahaha) Today, i am my own master!

The rainbow is waiting. I knew this time around its for real. I will continue chasing my destiny untill time comes i can say, FINALLY I AM HOME!

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Bhing
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14 Share your thoughts

aaawww...i can totally relate:D

dati nung sobrang nasaktan ako...ayokong ipakita sa pamilya ko na i'm in so much pain...one nyt akala ko tulog na ate ko so umiiyak ako, i was cautious not to make any sound para di siya magising...and hinatak niya lang basta ulo ko sa balikat niya at hinagod-hagod niya lang yung hair ko...and umiyak lang ako ng umiyak that night (she never said any word) the next day may FS testi ako galing sa kanya: "she smiles to hide the pain"

it's true na kung anuman yung pain na nararamdaman natin, definitely nararamdaman din yun ng mga taong nagmamahal saten no matter how hard we tried to hide it from them.That's why sa halip na itago sa kanila, we share it and for sure they'll be willing to support you and be there for you para malampasan mo ang lahat ng saket na pinagdadaanan mo.

tama ka deth, sa dahilang gsto ko cla ma spare hndi ko nakikita nasasaktan dn pala cla...

im jst glad nakausap ko c mama..

*hugz* awww... i dunno exactly d' pain dat u went through but for sure God knows all 'bout it... after d' rain there'll be rainbow.. for sure darating den ang rainbow... God has a wonderful plan for your life... and yeah sobrang i know nakakatulong na makausap naten ang mga mahal naten sa buhay 'bout it... take care... Godbless! -di

@dhianz, salamat...its really a relief na nakakausap ko cla lagi...
gudluck sa twilight saga na binabsa mo.

owwwsss...mahirap ang mawala sa sarili..mahirap ang masaktan..pero walang ni isang tao ang makakatulong sa atin kundi sarili lang natin..we are the master of our body and soul..

"I always keep mum and stay patient even if its suffocates me because hiding my real ordeal give me sense of assurance that i am capable of moving on."

i have known a part of you... alam ko you had a hard time dealing with things. pero ate bhing, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! and you are lucky kase mahaba ang pasensya mo. alam kong hindi madali. minsan we found ourselves na tayo lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili natin dahil tayo lang ang nakakaalam ng totoo nating nararamdaman. pero may balik na maganda un ate bhing. naniniwala ako... don't be weak. be tough instead. kaya yan... endure the pain, coz it's what love is all about!

kahit masakit magmahal ka, kahit masakit na masakit na...

kung nakakaranas man tayo ng pain... eventually, magiging masaya din tayo... sa tamang panahon. (aw!)

@ruel, good point... really like it...

tnx for dropping by!

@azel, u got me...waaaaaaaaaaaa

u made me cry early....bsta sobra kong naappreciate coment mo sa akin.

aws, extra ang tamang panahon... hndi n pala xia xtra bida na xia kc "in a ryt time" ang goal ko ngyon.hahaha!

mahirap talagang dayain ang sarili..
kung nasasaktan, seek someone na makakatulong para maalis ang pain...

or try to see again yung nanakit sayo ang feel kung tama ba ang desisyon compare kung ano meron ka sa ngayun as a result ng naging desisyon mo..them timbangin mo...

yung pain natin, mararamdaman din ng mga taong nagmamahal sa atin kasi nagrereflect sya sa buong personality natin...lalo kung di naman gaanun kagaling magtago ng tunay na nararamdaman...

have it as a lesson...pray hard..!

OR.... Iinum na lang natin yan Bhing may vodka ako rito...!

@rio, tara inuman sa dulo ng bahaghari... ikaw ang taya, water or juice lang sa akin.

tnx sa very inspiring na mgs...

Keep the faith ate Bhing....

Its ok to love and get hurt rather than not experiencing love at all!

The world will still keeps on spinning everyday and might as well our lives. We must focus on the good things that happened in our lives rather than the bad ones.

^^, off topic ata..
hehehhe...
Keri yan ate Bhing...
Dadating at maiintindihan natin ang lahat sa tamang panahon.

this is so deep. Medyo sad but i like the ending so much. yung tipong kahit ang hirap hirap ng mga pangyayari at the end of the day you still try to look at the positive side of life. Because no matter what, life is beautiful. Stay positive. :)

napakalalim at tugmang tugma ang nasa larawan sa iyong talata.:)

Leaving yesterday behind and live your life ones more the way you did before. It was one of my favorite song by Keno. way back 90s.

I believe that life is worth living for. don't close your door for a new opportunity of life and love.

Forgiveness to the one who hurt you and surrender our trouble to the Lords are some of the keys. For us to move on.