Wednesday, March 11, 2009

BROKEN SILENCE


Lately it seems to be going through the motion of uneasiness, like my body & mind is not in the deep sense of connectedness. I'm grasping for breath in the exhaustion of my own strength. I'm caught in the middle of nowhere; no place to go, no one to turn to. Should i go further? Should i step backward or should i remain in my chosen path? My thoughts are racing should I unmask my struggle?

I am a lost soul. I am imperfect. Everyday I'm trying & searching for the path that will satisfy my being. I've encountered so many tribulations, self doubts, morale conviction, expectations of the family and my desire to find my true happiness. Confusions are too muct to bear. My journey is a very tough one. I've traveled a rough road, short distance, and miles away. I've met strangers that touches my life, eventually become my friends. My fate cried & laughed at me. I'm still struggling & trying to cope in my chosen way.

I am a woman. I have the duty to exhibit grace, compassion, and fearlessness. A woman is a light in the darkest home, a hope. As for me being a woman is a very hard task. Our culture pressured me to have kids & family; a model family so to speak. My society expects me to behave according to what they suggest is right. They dictate me to seek solace, contentment in what they think is morally correct. In order for me to be classified as a complete person I should bear child, find a man & get married. These matter complicates things, I have no desire to get married & bear child. Don't get me wrong, I like kids, I love seeing children & I'm happy being with them. Their smiles, laughters & innocent comforts me but I don't have the burning passion in getting pregnant. I dream having a child but through adoption. I'm confident I will be a good mother but I can't offer a model family.

I'm not expecting everybody to understand & like me. I don't clamor for attention & achievement, all I'm asking is a token of respect as an individual. Am I different from others? Am I less human being because of my sexual orientation? Like everybody else I dreamed & longs for being loved, cared, respect & being happy.It just happened I felt it not in a guy. I am not perfect, I have many flaws,I can't claim anything just the fact I'm trying to be fair. Every now & then I commit mistakes,I am a failure, I am a sinner but trying my best to stay true to what I feel. I cry for true acceptance from others. I want harmonious relationship not discrimination in any forms. Oftentimes I am rejected & being judged. They condemned me for being a homo but this is my own choice, my own struggle, my own journey, my chosen direction & my own path. Besides at the end of our lives I'm the only one who will answer Him, who's accountable in my actions & deeds. Sometimes, I'm in the verge of collapsing, too weary to decide & too tired to believe. They say it against the doctrine, how i wish it isn't part of me but i can't keep on pretending because homosexuality is part of me, running in my veins.It is the truth that is too hard to handle. I feel that myself is starting to drift away, the situation is beginning to swallow me like it does everytime I hide my own self.

I am very grateful for those who showed concern & understanding, for all their advices, for the enlightenment, & for the prayers. I am so sorry for not fulfiling their expectations. I really tried hard to followed what they taught me was right but something is missing, deep in myself I'm longing for something. In truth no matter how i tried to ignore my identity, I'm just running away from my true feelings & the most painful part I'm just fooling around betraying my being.

I'm not saying that this is right nor good but this in my personal choice, personal plight, mine alone. Before I'd decided to walk in this path I think a million times the advantages & disanvantages, the effects & results, & the consequences. I won't deny it scared me, it took a lot of courage before I could even admit to myself that this is me. I've begun hating myself. I heard say nasty things about me, gossips, & rumors. They even said I'm disgusting & shameful, the pain is really excruciating to take. Who has the right to say whom should i love? Who has the right to say what's wrong & what's right, who's good & bad? Most of the time I feel I don't really belong, I'M AN OUTCAST. Sometimes treated like a contagious disease abnormal and don't even exist. Equality is far from reach. Perhaps, they're correct & I'm very wrong but everyone of us has the freedom to choose, we are all entitled for free will. What hurt me most when they question my upbringing, no one influenced me or manipulate to become who i am. I am still very fortunate because my family supports me all the way. One way or the other I hurt them but it would hurt them more if I live in shadow, in utopia. I'm willing to risk in order to survive because hiding the real me means death to my being. I'm still trying to do good to others in the way that i know is right but why my personal journey is always being question? Why they keep degrading me? Letting me down no matter how I act in kindly manner? Why can't be all choices simple? I stick to one relationship my very first serious affair. I'm single without any hidden baggage. Why they keep condenming me? What's the difference of being treated as a woman but have multiple partners or married but practice infidelity? Why our society easily accept polygamous affair but rejecting ours? Why it's easy for them to point-out someone flaws not their own? Should i keep mum about it? And accept that this is my mere fate?

Should I turn my back & remain in a closet and be a great pretender? Should i sacrifice my chance on being happy once in my lifetime?

I can't say what the future might hold for me but as of now the important thing I'm free from lies. They can say what they want but they can't crash my will & spirit to stand in my chosen path. What matter most I am who I am.

5 comments:

A-Z-E-L said...

kahit mahaba to.. nagcomment agad ako. atleast ung convincing power ko eh malakas pa rin pala.

i admire you for having the courage to tell the whole world what's ur "preference". hindi lahat eh malakas ang loob na lumabas sa closet!

congrats! aheks! lagi mong tandaan kahit asang mundo ka pa.. may bahaghari man o wala... umuulan man o hinde... it's more important how u live ur life. hindi na mahalaga kung ano ang reaction ng iba!

hindi sila ang nagbabayad ng bills mo, isa lang sila sa madaming tao sa mundo pero hindi sila ang buhay mo! kaya kahit hindi ka nila matanggap, hayaan mo na. sila lang naman ang magiisip ng sobra at hindi ikaw!

ang importante... may pamilya pa ring tatanggap sayo kahit sino ka pa! kahit ano ka pa! dahil bali-baligtarin man ang mundo MAHAL ka ng PAMILYA mo at un ang pinakamahalaga!

"mahirap magpretend kung ano at sino ka... kaya hayaan mo na lang na sila ang mahirapang tumanggap sa katotohanang iyon!"

naintindihan kita.. higit kanino man!

ching said...

Napa wow! na naman ako (hehehe) galing talaga kaso too much english no coming understanding!!! (hahaha).

Wala na ako comments para sa iyo, ikaw ay isang mahiwagang ikaw, ang kaligayahan mo ay nasa sa iyo hindi ibang tao. tama na yong sabi mo "I am who I am". ang importante mahalaga (hehehe).

Ang suporta namin ay laging para sa iyo...

ching

Bhing said...

@azel, its a comfort knwing dat der sum1 hu bliv in me, na inspite of all the odds d pala ako ng iisa...welcum to my world!

@ching, tnx sa frndhip. sa encouragemnt...pinataba mo puso ko!
no turning back!tnx

Jez said...

hinahangaan kita sa pagsabi at paglabas ng totoong ikaw. nasa hustong edad kana (na tayo pala) upang magdesisyon para sa sariling kapakanan. time is too meager, bakit hahayaan pa nating sila ang magpaandar ng ating buhay.

hayaan mo silang mamroblema sa desisyon mo, basta you are happy at walang inaapakang tao.bakit, yayaman ba tayo kapag ang kagustuhan nila ang nasunod?

be happy. be yourself.

Bhing said...

@jez salamat sa suporta! lalong lumakas ang loob ko pra ipglaban kng sinu ako...tnx